"I remember when the candle shop burned..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“No one is listening until you make a mistake.”

“You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.”

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

“I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!”

“Irony limits, finitizes, and circumscribes and thereby yields truth, actuality, content; it disciplines and punishes and thereby yields balance and consistency.”

“The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.”

“The surest sign that two people no longer speak the same language is that both say ironic things to one another but that neither senses the irony.”