"I bought some instant water one time..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.”

“I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

“I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.”

“Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!”

“To go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes”

“Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.”

“Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?”

“When Henry Ford said, "The customer can have a car in any color as long as it's black," he was not joking.”

“I make shoes for white suburban kids, not the poor black kids. That would be like opening a restaurant for people without stomachs.”