"I got a new shadow. I had..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?”

“I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.”

“Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?”

“There are two types of speakers: those thatare nervous and those that are liars.”

“The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whisky. By diligent effort, I learned to like it.”

“You don't have to be a star to get a cheese sandwich. You just have to be first.”

“I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.”

“Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."”

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”