"I feel lucky that I can have..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".”

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

“Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.”

“There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”

“Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did.”

“Prediction is difficult- particularly when it involves the future.”

“See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails”

“I've always found relationships, men and women, the fact that they are so radically different, and it manifests itself in so many different ways, and yet somehow we still try to live together and be friends. I find that endlessly valuable as a source of material for humor. Generally dogs are always funny in my opinion. And the federal government - just a relentlessly productive source of humor.”