"When I was a kid, I went..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

“I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".”

“I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."”

“Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.”

“I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.”

“I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.”

“I wish Europe would let Russia annihilate Turkey a little--not much, but enough to make it difficult to find the place again without a divining-rod or a diving-bell.”

“I begin with the principle that all men are bores. Surely no one will prove himself so great a bore as to contradict me in this.”

“I never put off till tomorrow what I can do the day after.”