"Sometimes I... No, I don't...." - Quote by Steven Wright

“For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]”

“It's a fine night to have an evening.”

“I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.”

“Farmers, get out your sense of humor. Congress meets to relieve you again next week.”

“More than one cigar at a time is excessive smoking.”

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

“I remember a time when everybody I loved hated me because I hated them.”

“I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me.”

“There are just two questions to ask to attain success in business: First, "What business am I in?" Second, "How's business?"”