"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...." - Quote by Steven Wright

“OK, so what's the speed of dark?”

“I washed mud off of mud.”

“When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“Nature is a wet place where large numbers of ducks fly overhead uncooked.”

“The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.”

“I don't mean to be funny.”

“My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.”

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

“I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn't be a staring contest.”