"Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”

“I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."”

“It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”

“It's like deja-vu, all over again.”

“I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.”

“My fat never made me less money.”

“The electrical matter consists of particles extremely subtile, since it can permeate common matter, even the densest metals, with such ease and freedom as not to receive any perceptible resistance.If anyone should doubt whether the electrical matter passes through the substance of bodies, or only over along their surfaces, a shock from an electrified large glass jar, taken through his own body, will probably convince him.Electrical matter differs from common matter in this, that the parts of the latter mutually attract, those of the former mutually repel each other.”

“It is the last lesson of modern science, that the highest simplicity of structure is produced, not by few elements, but by the highest complexity.”

“Astronomy is a cold, desert science, with all its pompous figures,-depends a little too much on the glass-grinder, too little on the mind. 'T is of no use to show us more planets and systems. We know already what matter is, and more or less of it does not signify.”