"If you had a million Shakespeares, could..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.”

“Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

“I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.”

“My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.”

“My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.”

“[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!”

“When old words die out on the tongue, new melodies break forth from the heart; and where the old tracks are lost, new country is revealed with its wonders.”

“Some people look at the world and say 'why?' Some people look at the world and say 'why not?'”

“We all begin life as parasites within the mother, and writers begin their existence imitatively, within the body of letters.”