"I'm kinda tired. I was up all..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“There are very few moments in a man's existence when he experiences so much ludicrous distress, or meets with so little charitable commiseration, as when he is in pursuit of his own hat.”

“When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.”

“The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."”

“All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.”

“Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.”

“I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.”