"I was skydiving horizontally...." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”

“It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.”

“There is something absurd in supposing a continent to be perpetually governed by an island.”

“ASAP. Whatever that means. It must mean, 'Act swiftly awesome pacyderm!”

“I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.”

“I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.”

“I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.”

“Performing on a stool, we've got a sight to make you drool, seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.”