"Last night I fell asleep in a..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“No one is listening until you make a mistake.”

“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”

“My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.”

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.”

“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.”

“Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.”

“What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.”

“After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.”

“No matter how much a woman loved a man, it would still give her a glow to see him commit suicide for her.”