"I poured spot remover on my dog...." - Quote by Steven Wright

“If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?”

“Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.”

“My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.”

“Bill Clinton does not inhale marijuana, right? You bet. Like I chew on LSD but I don't swallow it.'”

“A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas.”

“In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.”

“I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.”

“I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."”

“Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.”