"A cop stopped me for speeding/ He..." - Quote by Steven Wright
A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'
More by Steven Wright
“I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.”
“Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?”
“My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.”
More on Humor
More on Absurdity
“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”
“I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!”
“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”