"I rented a lottery ticket. I won..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.”

“It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.”

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“Liberty is the chosenresort of the artisticshopper.”

“We constantly see surveys that reveal this ignorance, especially among our high school students,78 percent of whom, in a recent nationwide multiple-choice test, identified Abraham Lincoln as 'a kind of lobster.' That's right: more than three quarters of our nation's youth could not correctly identify the man who invented the telephone.”

“I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?”

“If the law supposes that,' said Mr Bumble...' the law is an ass - an idiot.”

“When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?”