"You know the old joke, I went..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".”

“I had amnesia once or twice.”

“Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.”

“Where once they used to say, 'Cocaine is God's way of saying you have too much money' - now, maybe EDM is. Come ye lords and princelings of douchedom.”

“Shakespeare must be a black girl.”

“Confusion now hath made his masterpiece.”

“Where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered merely to the chance of incident, chaos will soon reign.”

“A few feet under the ground reigns so profound a silence, and yet so much tumult on the surface!”