"The hardness of the butter is proportional..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I was an only child, eventually.”

“always remember your unique, just like everone else”

“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".”

“I would walk along the quais when I had finished work or when I was trying to think something out. It was easier to think if I was walking and doing something or seeing people doing something that they understood.”

“It's a wonderful feeling to have a niece like youBecause you are always so dearYou are so dear no matter the yearBut all throughout each day of the yearThere could hardly be a town in the South of England where youcould throw a brick without hitting the niece of a bishop.”

“When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he is looking. If he is looking at my eyes, he is looking for intelligence. If he is looking at my mouth, he is looking for wisdom. But if he is looking anywhere else except my chest he's looking for another man.”

“Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.”

“If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.”

“My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.”