"I took a baby shower...." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”

“The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."”

“I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.”

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

“I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”

“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.”

“Economists talk about profit motive, but nothing motivates modern man more than a chance to avoid taxes!”

“She's as funny as a toothache”