"I knew a girl so ugly that..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens”

“I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.”

“Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!”

“I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.”

“You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.”

“I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.”

“I have only one thing to say to the tax increasers: Go ahead, make my day.”

“One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.”

“He charged nothing for his preaching and it was worth it too.”