"I got a new dog. He's a..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.”

“I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.”

“I was a serious method actor until I visited this site.”

“I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.”

“Cats are a waste of fur.”

“You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money.”

“Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.”