"My socks DO match. They're the same..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.”

“When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?”

“An altruist is one who would be sincerely sorry to see his neighbor's children devoured by wolves.”

“There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”

“In inventing a model we may assume what we wish, but should avoid impossibilities.”

“Science is the attempt to make the chaotic diversity of our sense-experience correspond to a logically uniform system of thought.”

“If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?”