"I had amnesia once or twice...." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”

“I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.”

“I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.”

“If you want me to speak for two minutes, it will take me three weeks of preparation. If you want me to speak for thirty minutes, it will take me a week to prepare. If you want me to speak for an hour, I am ready now.”

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

“Hannibal rode elephants into cartilage”

“Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you.”

“If you're going to sit on someone's tombstone, you might as well know something about them, right?”

“old emotions like old families have intermarried and have many connections.”