“My father was a small claims court jester.”

“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“"Fair, kind, and true" is all my argument,"Fair, kind, and true" varying to other words;And in this change is my invention spent,Three themes in one, which wondrous scope affords.”

“Thou hast the most unsavoury similes.”

“You taught me language, and my profit on't / Is, I know how to curse”