"I took a course in speed reading...." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.”

“I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".”

“I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.”

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.”

“Put together a seaman, soldier and airman and what do you get? The sum of all fears.”

“The other day, someone told me the difference between a democracy and a people's democracy. It's the same difference between a jacket and a straitjacket.”

“For a person who grew up in the '30s and '40s in the segregated South, with so many doors closed without explanation to me, libraries and books said, 'Here I am, read me.' Over time I have learned I am at my best around books.”

“I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time.”

“We give scholarships to high school kids and a new library of books to every preschool child in the county where I was born. I didn't have books at home so I did all my reading at school. I love books and I believe that helping kids to read gives them a great start in life.”