"I just got this new camera. It's..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

“I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>”

“A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."”

“I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.”

“How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.”

“My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.”

“A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.”

“The 100% American is 99% idiot.”