"I play the harmonica. The only way..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”

“I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."”

“I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda”

“[Max Planck] was one of the finest people I have ever known... but he really didn't understand physics, [because] during the eclipse of 1919 he stayed up all night to see if it would confirm the bending of light by the gravitational field. If he had really understood [general relativity], he would have gone to bed the way I did”

“Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?”

“I drink therefore I am.”

“From what I remember, I remember always being a big fan of Kardinal Offishall. He just had that different flow and different flavor. He put himself on the record and that's the type of energy that we love.”

“Musical innovation is full of danger to the State, for when modes of music change, the laws of the State always change with them.”

“It is not easy to determine the nature of music, or why any one should have a knowledge of it.”