“My father was a small claims court jester.”

“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“Let us, like merchants, show our foulest wares,And think perchance they'll sell; if not,The lustre of the better yet to showShall show the better.”

“The greatest meliorator of the world is selfish, huckstering Trade.”

“In finance everything that is agreeable is unsoundand everything that is sound is disagreeable.”