“I was an only child, eventually.”
“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”
“Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.”
“You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”
“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”
“Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face! I had rather lie in the woolen.”
“There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail.”
“I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster”
“Adult males are what their moms designed them.”
“Cannot we let [children] be themselves, and enjoy life in their own way? You are trying to make another you. One's enough.”
“What art can paint or gild any object in after life with the glow which nature gives to the first baubles of childhood? St. Peter's cannot have the magical power over us that the red and gold covers of our first picture-book possessed.”
“Syntax must be bad, having sin and tax in it.”
“My father was a small claims court jester.”
“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”
