"Velcro: what a rip-off...." - Quote by Tim Vine

“I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

“Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.”

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”

“I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”

“My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.”

“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'”

“There's tremendous pressure, if you're in that [goverment] system, to be involved and be interested and to care about it. There's no room to say, "This is stupid."”

“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

“If I gave McClellan all the men he asked for, they could not find room to lie down; they'd have to sleep standing up.”