"I got a dog and named him..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.”

“I don't even know how to use a parking meter, let alone a phone box.”

“My dear young lady, there was a great deal of truth; I dare say, in what you said, and you looked very pretty while you said it, which is much more important.”

“When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all; they are members of the pillow family.”

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”

“This past Thanksgiving, my father was at the farm, and I had all 11 dogs in the house with a father who never allowed dogs in the house. And he got up to leave the table and came back and Solomon was in his chair. And he says, "This dog is in my chair." And I said, "It's the other way around, you're sitting in his chair."”