"I told my doctor I got water..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.”

“I still need more healthy rest in order to work at my best. My health is the main capital I have and I want to administer it intelligently.”

“Life on board a pleasure steamer violates every moral and physical condition of healthy life except fresh air. . . . It is a guzzling, lounging, gambling, dog's life. The only alternative to excitement is irritability.”

“Every one knows that insufficient rest and gorging are not good for anyone, either physically or mentally.”

“I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old age.”

“He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”