"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's...." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.”

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.”

“A sense of humor is just common sense dancing.”

“You can milk a cow the wrong way once and still be a farmer, but vote the wrong way on a water tower and you can be in trouble.”

“It's cheaper to keep her.”

“There comes a day of public ceremonial, and a chance to make a speech.... A million voters with IQs below 60 have their ears glued to the radio. It takes four days' hard work to concoct a speech without a sensible word in it. Next a dam must be opened somewhere. Four dry Senators get drunk and make a painful scene. The Presidential automobile runs over a dog. It rains.”

“Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.”

“Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."”