"I bought an ant farm. I..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”

“The trouble with our Liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.”

“All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.”

“Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

“There exists an obvious fact that seems utterly moral: namely, that a man is always prey to his truths. Once he has admitted them, he cannot free himself from them. One has to pay something. A man who has become conscious of the absurd is forever bound to it.”

“It all began with a shoe on the wall. A shoe on the wall shouldn't be there at all.”