"Even snakes are afraid of snakes...." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.”

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

“I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."”

“I'm happy as a dog with two dicks”

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.”

“When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.”

“There slowly grew up in me an unshakable conviction that we have no right to inflict suffering and death on another living creature, unless there is some unavoidable necessity for it.”

“I am in no way supportive of hunting for trophies or sport - would never do it and don't like it that others do. But if you kill it, then eat it, it's fine.”

“To create man was a quaint and original idea, but to add the sheep was tautology.”