"How much deeper would the ocean be..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.”

“I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'”

“To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.”

“Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.”

“I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.”

“Nothing is too absurd to be said by some of the philosophers.”

“Provided that nothing like useful knowledge could be gained from them, provided they were all story and no reflection, she had never any objection to books at all.”

“On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.”

“One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"”