"I have a map of the United..." - Quote by Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
More by Steven Wright
“I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.”
“A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'”
“The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.”
More on Absurdity
“There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.”
“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
“The absurd is lucid reason noting its limits.”
More on Humor
“When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.”
“I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.”
“The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.”