"There's a pizza place near where I..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.”

“Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

“Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.”

“My friends, all I'm trying to say is that if we are to go forward today, we've got to go back and rediscover some mighty precious values that we've left behind. That's the only way that we would be able to make of our world a better world, and to make of this world what God wants it to be and the real purpose and meaning of it.”

“RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.”

“I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.”

“I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”