"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.”

“I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

“I modelled my looks on the town tramp.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

“Fruitcake is like semen, there's a lot of it about but no one wants to swallow it”

“Someone once defined hard work as the accumulation of the easy things you didn't do when you should have.”

“Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that's the stuff life is made of.Suspect each moment, for it is a thief, tiptoeing away with more than it brings.”

“This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to do and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody would do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.”