"Officer, I know I was going faster..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.”

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

“I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.”

“I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.”

“The jury consist of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.”

“When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.”

“My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.”

“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”

“Love puts all logic to sleep. Otherwise, we wouldn't risk it.”