"There was a power outage at a..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”

“I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.”

“If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.”

“The farmers can be thankful. Didn't the Farm Board decide in Washington last week that they could have cheaper interest? All the farmers have to do now is to find something new to put up as security.”

“all i want...is mac and cheese”

“Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets.”

“I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.”

“All systems of morality are based on the idea that an action has consequences that legitimize or cancel it. A mind imbued with the absurd merely judges that those consequences must be considered calmly.”

“I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”