Columnist Quotes

“Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!”

“He who laughs.....lasts.”

“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

“My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.”

“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.”

“Cats invented self-esteem.”

“I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.”

“To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.”

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”

“Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.”

“Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.”

“Grandmas can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were raising their own children. And they can glow in the realisation that here is their seed of life that will harvest generations to come.”

“What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?”

“A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.”

“No One Diets on Thanksgiving.”

“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.”

“When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”

“It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.”

“Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.”

“Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.”

“Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.”

“I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.”

“Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.”

“I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.”

“People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.”