Columnist Quotes

“In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.”

“Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.”

“How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?”

“One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.”

“There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.”

“You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”

“There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.”

“not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.”

“What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.”

“No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.”

“Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”

“Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.”

“I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.”

“I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.”

“Many people are intimidated by doctors. ... People also feel stupid when they don't understand what a doctor's talking about the first time around, so they don't ask again. And let's be honest here, people. English is not a doctor's first language.”

“When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.”

“Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.”

“People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.”

“I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment.”

“Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.”

“I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.”

“What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?”

“It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.”

“Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.”

“I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.”