George Carlin Quotes

“Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.”

“I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.”

“If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.”

“My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. "You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits." And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.”

“Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.”

“Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids”

“Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.”

“If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?”

“Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?”

“That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.”

“When you look at Earth from that one picture, the one from space, it's really a rather attractive thing. I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles. The greatest entertainment I have in my life is chronicling internally, not necessarily for the public, the slow dissolution of order.”

“How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.”

“The patterns became even more vivid at Cardinal Hayes High School. That's when I began failing subjects and running away from home for days at a time.”

“You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.”

“The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.”

“If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain”

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”

“I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.”

“It's difficult enough for a young person to put his soul on the line in front of a lot of drunken people without having that hanging over his head, too.”

“We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.”

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

“My books and records are arranged according to subject, and within each subject, they're alphabetical by author or artist. The music tapes are alphabetical and the performance tapes are in chronological order.I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.”

“A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?”