"I have not lost my mind -..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."”

“If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?”

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”

“When you know to laugh and when to look upon things as too absurd to take seriously, the other person is ashamed to carry through even if he was serious about it.”

“Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time.”

“Eeew, I'd be a little uncomfortable Googling myself. People sit there - and Google themselves? That's kind of weird.”

“We must make automatic and habitual, as early as possible, as many useful actions as we can. . . . The more of the details of our daily life we can hand over to the effortless custody of automatism, the more our higher powers of mind will be set free for their own proper work.”

“Action and care will in time wear down the strongest frame, but guilt and melancholy are poisons of quick dispatch.”

“It is astonishing how many mental operations we can explain when we have once grasped the principles of association”