"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography...." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

“Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?”

“They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.”

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

“An old Russian woman goes into Kremlin, gets an audience with Mikhail Gorbachev and says, In America anyone can go to the White House, walk up to Reagan's desk and say, 'I don't like the way you are running the country.' Gorbachev replied, You can do the same thing in the Soviet Union. You can go into the Kremlin, walk up to my desk and say 'I don't like the way Reagan is running his country.'”

“On prohibiting anybody from learning anything: Why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.”

“Books and movies inspire me, but I do my best to keep my stories as original as possible.”

“There is no rule on how to write.”

“And dazzling memory revive.Refresh the faded tints, Recut the aged prints, And write my old adventures, with the pen Which, on the first day, drew Upon the tablets blue The dancing Pleiads, and the eternal men.”