"I had to stop driving my car..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.”

“Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

“I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.”

“I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.”

“I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?”

“There will never be a time when the old horse is not superior to any auto ever made.”

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

“I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”