"Should you trust a stockbroker who's married..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.”

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

“When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.”

“To make a good salad is to be a brilliant diplomatist - the problem is entirely the same in both cases. To know exactly how much oil one must put with one's vinegar.”

“Richard Strauss--Old Home Week in Gomorrah”

“I'm not a serious person, and I don't like serious people.”

“The confidence which we have in ourselves give birth to much of that, which we have in others.”

“Two may keep counsel putting one away!”

“For trust not him that hath once broken faith”