"I wish the first word I ever..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.”

“I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.”

“I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.”

“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'”

“A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.”

“Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"”

“I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz don't mean you ain't a peach.”

“The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”

“At bottom the world isn't a joke. We only joke about it to avoid an issue with someone, to let someone know that we know he's there with his questions; to disarm him by seeming to have heard and done justice to his side of the standing argument.”