“My father was a small claims court jester.”

“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“Everyone in Life does Exactly what they Know How to Do Given the Conditions of their Lives”

“Logic is a poor guide compared with custom.”

“Advertising nourishes the consuming power of men.”