"They say we're 98% water. We're that..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.”

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.”

“I do not want no pretty woman. First thing you know, you fall in love with her-then you got to kill somebody about her. She'll make you so jealous, you'll bust!”

“And as to you Death, and you bitter hug of mortality, it is idle to try to alarm me.”

“People talk about the horrors of war, but what weapon has a man invented that even approaches in cruelty some of the commoner diseases? 'Natural' death, almost by defintion, means something slow, smelly and painful.”

“You want to be upper class, you want to be first class, but when the plane crash, everybody dead.”